Friends

When they leave us, it sucks big time.
When all of a sudden they act as if you never existed in their lives, its suicidal.

I once thought I can live by myself, my family and no one else. I'm very keen with who I befriend, I don't trust much. I've one of those who likes reading people and from that, I know who to get acquainted with and those who won't be there all along. Well, I can say, I've been mostly right.

Some "friends" go, but when they go and leave us, then that means they're not the "friends" we thought they would be. Or, they would probably be the ones you've expected most to be the ones, there, to care for you when you're down, but then, they're not the ones by your side.

I've been thinking. I kept a set of friends, some elementary friends, some high school friends (most of them I consider as "real friends" come from this bunch). Some from college. Most are my dormmates and orgmates. One thing I'm uncertain with my college friends and those whom I consider as "friends" in this moment in time, is if they would be willing to stay in the race with me until the finish line. I mean, there's still a lot to conquer. Some, for sure, I'll lose along the way. Some, I've already lost along the way.

Sometimes, I ask myself if I've been a really good friend to others. I am, I think. I might not be at par but I do care for my friends. I do worry where and what's happening to them every passing second. I do want to make sure that they're okay all the time. I do my best to be a "friend" to them.

Friends are really important. You share bundles of joy and heartaches together. May it be virtual or personal, its hard to lose someone who knows you very well. Someone, who carries you when you're down or shares you their life and most-kept secrets. They always know when you're in a good or in a bullcr*p mood. I've lived the recent parts of my life dependent of my friends, for they're love for me, is enough to satisfy my cravings for romantic partner. In fact, I don't need one now.

And that's probably the most painful part. Since you've gotta be reminiscing the days it has been. Those memories you shared. Those text messages and YM conversations you enjoyed. It sucks to let go of someone who has been a part of your lifestyle, an extension of your soul, when before's just much to let go.

What bothers me is the irony when you were once "friends" and possibly the best buddies you've had since like ever, and then, it comes to a point that you wouldn't even mind each other because of such egoistical things caused by petty stuffs. Then it's not friendship we built, we can't let any "petty" thing get in out way if we're "friends" . When pride's at stake, when image and name's at stake, I guess, it's an issue. But, isn't it exaggerated if a lot of "sorries", "peace offerings" plus "what can i do to make it right?'s" ends up getting unnoticed when for a fact, that you're friend have done the same thing to you before?

Well, I've committed mistakes. A bunch of them. I said my sorry. It's all up to you to accept it. I've carried the burden so much and I've tolerated much of your so-called tantrums. But, isn't it unfair, that it's always about you? Isn't it taking advantage of my feelings? Remember when I asked you if you're conceited. I do feel conceited when we talk about us you. you. you. And now, that it was me who has made a significant mistake, I'm worthy of being extinct in your life? Is that the lowest I can get from being such a fool friend to you throughout these months?

These might be all blurry and probably not the most coherent entry but it really sucks to lose a friend. Especially, if you're really eager to try it all out once again and then, just because of my careless generalization, it would've caused the friendship I've cherished, to end.

Sometimes, friends are our secret lovers. They don't fail to love us even if we're in our lowest. But sometimes too, they're our secret enemies, 'cause when they leave us, when we lose them and when they turn their backs against us, its more than memories and time that's lost. Its a part of our entirety that seems to be missing, that we might not even be able to regain.

All I can hope is I don't lose any more of my friends. I hope I haven't lost you yet. Friend.
Maybe I'm ranting now and that defies that you're an important part of me I have and am wanting to regain.