It's Too Late to Apologize

DISCLAIMER: I’ve been waiting days to post this entry. I’ve been thinking if it’s worth a post, or if it’s worth reading, or I’d follow my heart and express what’s really happening quite lately. And sorry if the story’s full of crap ‘cause I’m kinda weak with this thing. Yea, so here’s my story.

I met someone through the Internet a year ago. Eventually, we exchanged YM! ID’s and got into conversations every once in a while. I didn’t expect that Kara (this is not the person’s real name) and I would get to know each other more, and so we exchanged digits. Then came a message from Kara, “Hey. You have a partner?”

Innocent as I was, I told her “No.” And she asked me if I can be her boyfriend. Come on, it was summer. It’s a first (I mean to be approached with such question) and I don’t know what to do. And since I was bored, I answered. “Hell, yea. Sure.” Mind you, she’s pretty, smart and sweet. And she's pretty articulate when she writes on the Internet.

Don’t get me wrong! I’m not really into these kind of relationships, but it was good to know that someone sees me as a boyfriend potential. So, we texted and chatted and texted even at the wee hours of the evening. I thought it wasn’t serious for both of us, but I also thought she liked me and I do, too. So, we’re kinda MU, but we’re together, technically. Not until a month after, when Kara told me that she’s gonna be together with a guy, we’ll name Kiko. I’m quite shocked, but I accepted her request for us to be friends still even if that’s what happened. But that’s not the end of the story...

A month passed, Kara told me she broke up with her boyfriend. She’s suicidal that time. I won’t be specific na lang. I thought, “Okay, she’s free. Might as well grab the chance.” But it was too late, she’s been in one relationship after another. I can’t blame her really.

I let the feelings fly. Since I was thinking, we’re through. We’re over. But one time, when I watched an Engineering affair, she went there too. She’s with her bestfriend. I was texting her the whole time and I won’t wanna show up, because I know she’ll be quite shocked with how I look. We’ve seen each other in pictures on the net, but not personally. When the event was about to end, I went to see her, just to say hi. So, I stood at the back and she was about to leave until I tapped her back and said, “Oy.” And she said, “Oy. Yea, sige ah.!” *she stared at me from head to toe, kinda like evaluating how I look*

Then, I still texted her for days, up to the moment that I asked her to visit me in UP again this upcoming April. She told me she’ll be available upon enrollment.

Then, I felt something. Why do I have such feelings for Kara? Why did I worry so much, of all people, why would I think I’d be the one her sorority sister would tell this news to, eh may parents naman siya. I was analyzing everything, until I came up with a conclusion, I was falling for her. Yes, I know! It’s too late but she’s been giving me a lot of hopes since we’re on. I was still hoping that we’ll still have a chance since all of her relationships as of the time, are all short-term and I’m the type who aims for a long-term one.

So I expected. A LOT. And let myself fall for her, once again. She’s been so kind and sweet the whole time. She’s growing into someone I’m seeing as a real long-term partner. Until one event where we meet again, I was texting her, hoping that we could talk or something. The signal in the area was freaking annoying. I can’t send her some of the messages. I was with someone and I would be very obvious if I’d go take the seat beside her. So I pleased my eyes, staring at her moment by moment. She’s gorgeous, and hindi sya nakakasawang tignan.

We had the chance to talk for a bit, when I was about to go to the comfort room and when I was about to leave. She even asked me that time if I was leaving, I told her. “Uhm, yea, my dorm’s just a few blocks away.” I saw her friend telling her to go with them and mingle with some other Internet enthusiasts so I told her I’ll text her.

So, we texted a lot that day. I’m all mesmerized with her witty comments and beautiful smiles ( I always look at her Friendster profile which has lots of pictures of her). I fell in love with Kara, even if I know she’s currently in a relationship.

--

Last Friday, I told her I’m at a bar. She’s been teasing me that she has a thing for this guy who studies at a famous university. She asked me what I'm doing at the bar and whom am I with. And I told her that I’m with Mia and we’re watching Bodie Cruz and Ronnie Liang’s concert at Metro. It’s actually quite freaky how she asked where I am and who I am with, it gave me kilig factor. And all I can say is that I’m jealous of the guy that she’s with because she’s so into him. As a reply, I told her that I, too has someone by the name Mia, but it was all hoax. I just told her that too ease the jealousy I was feeling towards the guy she’s talking about.

But two nights before, I told her I still love her. I told her that I wanna be with her still. I told her that she’s the best thing that happened to me, and the most beautiful lady I have ever seen in my life. She told me to make my relationship with Mia work. There. I know, I’m facing rejection.

I was angry at myself for falling in love with her. At the same time, I was crying my heart out, while I was texting her. “Yun na nga eh. Walang Mia, Kara.” And she asked me why I lied about it. I then confessed that I was too jealous with her and the one she’s with, that’s why I made up stories. She then told me it was okay.

All this time, pinaasa niya ako sa wala, and she knows that. That’s why she apologized dahil naging bad daw sya all this time to me. And reading between the lines, I knew she and I, we’ll never be together. I asked her what made her dislike me, and she said: “I have to be honest with you. Being super stubborn. Waah. And, looks din. Ayun.”

I knew it. It felt like it was all a dream, that someone like her, would like me, someone who’d be with her at all times. I didn't know that she's that type that she'll prefer looks over other things. It was hard to accept but I still sent her some messages which really came from my heart. I told her that I loved her because she is Kara and not because she’s pretty or what. I just hope that she loved me for what I am too.

My feelings were hurt, yes. But I am not willing to gamble the friendship, so I asked her if we could be friends. And she said,”Yes”. After all, it was the most that she can do to help me repair my broken heart. I just hope that she has given more time into knowing me well than eying some other hotties.

The best of the story’s yet to come, I can’t even imagine how she downplayed “us” being us to “MU” and to “stuff”. It felt like she denied that I was her boyfriend. Ang loser ko naman.

But then again, it’s too late to apologize. I’ll accept it but I’ll never forget how everything fell apart. I was too in love with Kara. Too in-love that I’ll give up everything just to be with her. You’re my first and it was so hard to let it go.

PS: This story is a lot more complicated than you think. The persons involved in the story are given the pseudonyms since there’s a 90% chance that they’ll be reading this. To those involved, I’m sorry, I’m still in chaos after all that happened. Its what you feel when you’re fairy tale ends miserably. After all this, my mouth is shut about me and Kara. I hope so.

Lastly, shet dalawa na ang theme song ko for you. You’ll Always Be My Baby at Apologize. I can’t believe it. David Cook at David Archuleta ito.